나에게 (Dear Self): What If?
Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash
나에게,
What if I answered the phone instead of letting it go to voicemail that day? Would that have been our last conversation? Would you have forgiven me for the past 10 years of distance and for cutting you out of my life?
Would you have told me you still loved me? Would you have told me you were proud of the woman I became? Would you have told me I was still your little girl?
Would I have been able to convince you one last time to get help? Would you have agreed? Would you still be alive if I picked up my phone that day?
This thought process can cause your brain to spiral into hours and hours of overthinking. It makes you wonder what could have been. It can leave you paralyzed.
My love, when this happens, you need to acknowledge this thought process and give yourself the grace to take care of your needs at that moment. Try different grounding and breathing techniques, go for a walk, write in your journal, or call a friend. Find what your heart, body, and soul need at that moment.
All of this is a part of your grieving period. You are mourning the relationship you had. You also must let go of the fantasy relationship you wished you had. But playing that what-if game will not bring that person back into your life. It will not change what happened.
It is okay to feel these extreme opposite emotions at the same time. There is no need to justify it and figure out why. My love, you are capable of holding multiple truths. You can forgive and have empathy for them. You can love them and know they were extremely problematic to have in your life. Healing isn’t easy. But my love, you are strong and you don’t have to do this alone. You are surrounded by people who are willing to walk next to you. People who are willing to help you carry this burden you have on your heart.
I know, my love, this is extremely hard. I know it would be so much easier to run and distract yourself from the darkness. But life is worth living. You are learning how to thrive and not just survive. You can’t have happiness without some pain.
Sincerely,
Me
